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That first step's a doozy....; Eeth (M for swearing)
Topic Started: Apr 29 2008, 06:31 PM (594 Views)
Medivh
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[ *  *  * ]
It had certainly been one hell of a night. Nothing stood out of the ordinary of course. It had started like usual on a friday, with Jiraiya showing up at Eeth's place with a bottle for his wife and an invitation to go out and drink their asses off and get into trouble like always.

Of course Eeth had agreed to join Jiraiya in yet another night they would most likely not remember, and they hopped into the Eethmobile and rode off to the nearest location that provided alcohol. It had started off at the Dirty Sanchez, which was a decent enough watering hole, if a bit grungy and dark. Fortunately it tended to be filled with hardasses, and not emos, thus Jiraiya and Eeth were spared the constant whining.

At their next location, however, they had not been so lucky. Heading to AHS' Student Underground was taking a gamble, they knew. But they figured that the school had expanded into college level education, and thus the students would have grown up a bit as well. Unfortunately, they were wrong.....

oh so very wrong....

Eeth of course had been pissed when he saw the horde of kids in black with pointlessly large swords and other items. Fortunately Jiraiya had been less drunk at the time, and had managed to convince Eeth to stay. Of course Jiraiya himself was not exactly happy with the emo-fest, but really, what could one do?

Unfortunately for them both, they tended to be somewhat happy drunks. Goof-offs. Which happened to be in complete opposition to the angst-ridden whiners around them. Of course they didn't mind the glares they got, but when one of the emos thought they were going to be extra cool by trying to evict the dastardly duo from the premises, things got serious. The eye-shadow wearing punk simply didn't know who the hell he was messing with. Jiraiya would have pitied him, if the kid hadn't attempted to give them that classic 'I am teh strong!' look while monologuing. Jiraiya hated monologuing. He also hated that look when brooding little upstarts wore it. So it was that thirty minutes, a few smoke clones, and a bottle of Sake and spirit-fire later, Eeth and Jiraiya were thrown out of the joint on their behinds.

What? you think that getting kicked out of a bar was the end of the night for main men of manliness? surely not. They just needed a rest before continuing...

As Jiraiya staggered to a rock near the foot of Dragoon Mountian, he realized that he had gone passed seeing triple and now saw four Eeths in front of him. He smiled for a moment, it being a personal mark of pride for him to be offically seeing quadruple. However after a moment's reflection, he realized that there may actually be four Eeths: one real, and three clones. Realizing this, he simply shrugged and sat down on a rock.

"Man....that stuff in the Underground is shit." he remarked, not showing the physical signs of being drunk just yet. "watered-down crap. and they charge too much."
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Mr. Trout
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[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Why had it been dubbed the Eethmobile? Sure it made some sense, since he was Eeth and it was his mobile. That and the car looked disturbingly like a penis. Not a single person on this earth can say they couldnt imagine him in a penis car. Now if only the jokes about going through tunnels would get old. The most surprising part, was how willing his wife was to let Eeth go. All whipped jokes aside (and frankly, you'd be afraid too if you married a girl who got paid to kill people), it was mostly because the cat was having a tiff with the baby. That kind of stuff made everyone's head just hurt, which was a wonder why he escaped and not her first.

Then the debauchery began. The worst part about all those earlier watering holes filled with emo kids, was they were all emo boys over compensating with swords. They entirely lacked hot women in tinie tiny tight clothes and big boots. Those were good girls to take dancing and get a few pints in them. Eeth really was a horrible husband. The worst part in all of this was that he hadnt been showing up for work recently. But considering his work was owning a rather niche eatery and bar, he didnt need to check in that often. He had a very good manager and cook running it.

Of course it begged the question why they werent there to drink. But that answer was easy. You dont shit where you eat, and you dont drink all your beers so you cant sell them.

In the end they ended up on the mountain. And for some reason Eeth had thought it would be a laugh to make a few smoke clones from the power of his cigarettes. Drunk ideas were not generally good ones. Thankfully they hadnt ended up with even more confusing paternity suits so far.

"I think we've both consumed enough to drown several people. And I'm still not properly drunk!" The Brit grumbled and growled his discomfort as he went around the mountain. Eventually of course he made the mistake of taking a step in just the wrong direction. Or rather one of Eeth's smoke clones did. The clone made a strange screaming sound and plummited down out of sight. This of course made drunk Eeth extremely curious. A little exploration discovered a hole.

"Hey! check this out! Its a hole." He was leaning quite a bit over the hole. Strange that he didnt fall in.
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Medivh
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Jiraiya laughed uproariously when he heard the clone fall in the hole. He had reached that point in drunkenness when slapstick was an absolute riot, and watching the clone's face as it ended up falling through the hole was simply too much for Jiraiya's sense of humor. However when the real Eeth inspected the hole, Jiraiya got curious. It could have been anything, after all.

It could have been some secret Harem of an ancient god of manliness, long lost to humans! Yes, that was what Jiraiya immediately hoped it would be, however hope, he knew, was for the hopeless. Perhaps it was some kind of treasure-horde left by the Nazis from back when Japan was part of the Axis powers....that had a hint of possibility to it. There were tresures that the Reich had stolen that were never found. But for all the possibilities, both positive and negative, there was really only one way to figure out what was down there.....

Walking over to the hole, Jiraiya appraised it. It seemed to go partially into Dragoon Mountian, and partially under it. In a few more thousand years, it would probably be quite a sizeable cave. Of course those few more thousand years could be shortened considerably, but, again, that depended on what was down there. Of course to know that, well, there was really no other option....

"Yes, it's a hell of a hole...." Jiraiya mused, standing next to Eeth, the two of them looking down at it. "and there's only one way to find out what's at the bottom." he finished, and before anyone could even react, Jiraiya had grabbed Eeth and hopped down into the hole, dragging the brit with him. Fortunately the hole was more than large enough right now for the two of them. Furthermore the hole was more akin to a slide, which went a fair ways down, emptying the duo out into a spacious cavern.

As the two slid to a halt, Jiraiya got up, dusting himself off and cursing. Damned if it wasn't pitch-black in the cave. Fortunately that was easily solved. Inhaling for a moment, Jiraiya let loose a mighty blast of spirit-fire which, by sheer dumb luck, managed to strike a torch, it's light dimly illuminating the scene:

While Eeth was a european bastard, and would most likely not know what he was standing in front of, Jiraiya knew at once. The great archway, the braided rope, the stone brazers, this had been a small Shinto shrine at one point, but it seemed that the earth had reduced it's entrance to nothing more than a hole. As Jiraiya lit more of the torches, more of the cave was revealed. A cool, vast, dome-like cave with a great body of water in it. The brazers lined the rim of the pool, and the archway stood along the rim as well, denoting that the pool was holy or sacred. squatting down at the water's edge, Jiraiya reached out and ran his hand over the surface of the water, feeling the Holy and ancient power in it....

"By Ama...." He muttered, looking slightly surprised. "Someone blessed this entire wellspring. Not sure why, though....this place was the middle of fucking nowhere until fifty years or so ago."
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Mr. Trout
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It was more then a little shock being forced down the hill. Made worse that Eeth actually managed to shout something. "DICK MOVE! DICK MOVE!" His voice echoing as they fell. It was one thing to purposefully go down some crazy ass hole while drunk. It was completely different to be grabbed and dragged along, because that just made things even more disoriented. And what happens when a disoriented drunk hits the ground? Well normally they'd vomit, but this was Eeth we are talking about. So there were just a string of curse words so horrifying, even an X-rating wouldnt do it justice. This was the kind of stuff that gods got embarrassed hearing.

Sure he was British, but he knew what the shrine was. The first girl he tried to date was a shinto priestess. And then one later on. Who he managed to get it on with on an altar. But details on that are just ill placed. Instead we had a drunk mumbling and rubbing his ass. Sliding down a bigass hole hurt the ass! And Eeth's ass was precious and near magical. It was a special special ass.

Unfortunately Eeth didnt know the thing was sacred. Which he should be told soon before he thought of taking a leak in it.

Oh good. Jiraiya did say it, and pointed out it was special and blessed. "Holy water? Thats not too out of the place. But what the crap is it doing in the middle of a goddamn mountain?"
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Medivh
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"No clue....Bhudda probably supposedly came through this area and drank from this spring so suddenly it's holy." Jiraiya mused, looking at the spring. It was kinda cool as it was, but really...what good was it to them? Not like it could make them beer or anything....or....could it?

"Hey Eeth....I think I have an idea." Jiraiya said, looking around and sizing up the cavern, thinking. "We drink enough to kill most people, and we've probably sampled every bar in Domino and part of Tokyo....I used to be a Toji in another life....."

A smile began to unfurl on Jiraiya's face. He had a plan now, and he knew Eeth would enjoy it. It combined two of the best things in the world: Alcohol and money. He turned back to Eeth after looking around a bit more.

"Why don't we start our own Brewing business?" he exclaimed, grinning. He wasn't sure how Eeth was going to react to the suggestion, but he was pretty sure whatever he got it was going to be a favorable reaction. After all, for guys like Jiraiya and Eeth, drinking was a part of their lives...and making alcohol? It was like the golden ring...
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Mr. Trout
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The pitch was a pretty interesting idea, and Eeth listened to it sternly with a face contorted to appear in deep concentration. This was a very important idea, a legendary scheme that could make or fail their lives. This was even more powerful then the moment Eeth saw a woman jogging with no bra while eating and got the idea for mcjiggles. No, this was even more epic, more ground breaking, the stuff legends are made of. Things that made gods out of simple sad men.

"I have a better question. A vastly superior question, one that sages will look on with puzzlement for generations to come! One that will furrow the brow of the greatest beings in all the cosmos! A question that will humble the gods and one that will make men out of mere boys." This kind of off the fly exposition can only come from the mouth of a drunk. A complete drunk with no sense of logic or ability.

"Why didnt we come up with this scheme sooner!"

Wait...what?

"What they serve out there is piss water. I got a bar in my work, and we have crazy magic water here to base it off of. Hell, we could probably get truly fantastic magic ingredients. We will revolutionize the very way the world gets drunk!" ACTIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON POSE!

"Or you know...just get plastered and have a laugh."
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Medivh
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Jiraiya's face became passive as Eeth began to rant. The man often got that way when he had so much drink in him that there was a lack of sense. The first few times had been a bit weird, but Jiraiya was used to it by now. Even the action pose, which would cause most people to die laughing, was not anything new to the old fox.

"We didn't think of it before because we were busy doing other shit, probably." Jiraiya replied, searching his pockets. It took him awhile, but finally he found what he was looking for, producing a cell-phone and making a few hurried calls. How in hell's name he got reception in this hole in the ground was beyond anyone, but he managed to get signal. and after a few minutes' worth of conversation, the craziness started....

First off, a fair-sized garage-door had managed to poof itself into existence on one of the cave-walls. After a few moments the door opened and couple of box-trucks pulled into the cavern, depositing all manner of materials. Tubing, vats, supplies, empty bottles, basically everything to start a good micro-brewery. How does one get all this stuff you ask? Well, it kinda helps when you've got dirt on some famous and powerful Kitsune magi, and conjuring items such as this is 'simple' by arcane standards. It's far easier to poof up hunks of copper and wood, than to mess with the fabric of reality, or enslave a demon.

Jiraiya and Eeth were suddenly standing in the middle of the chaos, Jiraiya issuing orders, telling people where to put stuff and what to hook up and what to leave untouched. Two guys brought a couple of old rolltop desks over to where Jiraiya and Eeth were, placing them back to back and giving each desk a matching rolling chair, along with other basic desk elements, including little nameplates reading 'Lord Jiraiya-sama' and 'Sir Hellsing'. luxurious desks, lofty titles, all they'd need would be hot secretaries and they'd be living the classic CEO life. That might be useful for Eeth's wife, Jiraiya mused....she did like drinking after all. But that was Eeth's call, and for now they had more pressing matters....

Plopping down in a chair, Jiraiya pulled out a legal pad from the desk and began to scribble notes. It had been quite some time since he'd been a brewmaster, and he only had experience brewing Sake. But the basic formula for beer wasn't that different from Sake, so all it would take would be some tweaking...experimentation...

"So how many types of beer do we wanna do?" Jiraiya asked, looking up at Eeth. "Most micro-breweries today have at least ten or twelve different mixes."
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Mr. Trout
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No matter how long the pair stuck together, no matter what shenanigans they lasted through. When Jiraiya pulled out the crazy space time portals that made it look like he had everything planned out before, it freaked Eeth out. It was like magicians pulling rabbits out of their hats, but this time it was people, and machines, and crazy stuff, and instead of a hat it was nothing. This was the kind of thing that Eeth could only deal with when slightly drunk like now.

Which brings a strange question, how could these two only come up with brilliant schemes when drunk? Theoretically we could cure all diseases and poverty itself, just by getting the researchers and scientists drunk beyond reason. Then in their nonsensical stupor they could come up with brilliant schemes to save the world. Not bad, not bad at all.

Of course when the workers started coming in, Eeth found himself in a corner, speaking to a rather well taken care of...was she a foreman? Whatever she was, she was rather breathtaking in that girl next door way. With the freckles and short hair hidden under a hard hat. It was rather nice flirting, at least up until the time old Mr. Hellsing started getting close, then he got slapped and the girl wandered off back to work. Not too bad for a night's work.

Back to focus. The raven haired master of debauchery sat down on the desk that was labeled for him. It was a strange label but what was he going to do? The important thing began when his current partner in crime started talking up.

"Need a few ales and lagers. As many types as we can think of good formulas for. But lets keep it simple for now, probably around five until we start selling. The real question is where are we going to get enough hops, barley and yeast for it all."
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Medivh
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"Oh I've already got that under control." Jiraiya grinned. "I know a guy. But anyway, those numbers do sound good."

Jiraiya casually reached into a desk drawer and pulled out a clipboard with a notepad attached, making a few notes as more trucks pulled in, depositing hops, barley, and yeast in vast amounts. Damn it was nice to be able to blackmail people.

Of course the real question was: if Jiraiya and Eeth wanted to get to selling, and drinking, as soon as possible, what was next? Surely it would take time, effort, meticulous planning and calculations, manpower and brainpower to come up with even one good, quality brew that didn't blind you upon first ingesting it. That could take days, weeks, possibly even years! They didn't have that kind of time to wait! They needed beer NOW! Quickly while the opportunity was ripe and while they were still drunk enough to not consider this a completely absurd idea.

The answer to their troubles? Why that's simple, true believers: A SCIENCE Montage! Yes! Complete with 80's music!

Yes, they did it all....standing around in white lab-coats and goggles with dorky pocket-protectors and clipboards. Deciding on mixing combinations (mostly through trial and error), distilling, pouring test-batches into barrels to ferment, taking shots of each recipe they tried....all to Forigener's classic: 'Double Vision'.

"yeah, that's enough of that...." Jiraiya mused at the end of the Montage, throwing his clipboard at the jukebox, thus switching it to another song.
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Mr. Trout
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MONTAAAAAAAAAGE! Secretly the ultimate power of any drunk or student in the known world. Each being is limited to the number of fantastical montages they can perform in a year, unless they exist in some form of universe where people randomly burst into song numbers with good dancing. Which, sadly Eeth did. There was an entire musical part of Domino town that most people pretended to forget, Eeth went there alot because of the bakery. Not only was the baker girl fairly hot, but she had muffins...the most delicious muffins there were. But she made you sing for them. SING THE MUFFIN SONG!

Erm, forget the muffin song in all its glory. In fact, get the mental picture of Eeth singing and dancing out of your head. Thats bad for you. It really really is. It causes cancer, CANCER OF THE EYES. Just like the wang of basically any furry humanoid. Freakin' furries.

The problem then came from Eeth staring blankly at the wall. "We got a jukebox?" This office was making less and less sense. But thats okay, two drunks in a hole in a mountain were supposed to make sense? BAH to that thought. Right well then, it didnt take a genius for old man Hellsing to action pose, his fist in the air and his body over flowing with manly burning spirit.

"Today comrade Jiraiya, we succeed. Historians will mark this day in the history books, and our competitors will quake within their boots. THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD RESTS WITHIN OUR HOOCH!"
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Medivh
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"YES! We'll have the best brew in the world, and noone can stop us!" Jiraiya said, picking up on the manly burning spirit radiating from Eeth. Sometimes you just gotta gloat to have fun with it. "We'll have money, fame, and more importantly.....HOT CHICKS IN SKIMPY OUTFITS TO BE OUR BEER-GIRLS! YEAH!"

Yes, Jiraiya was a perv. He wasn't quite as open about it as Eeth was, but it was normally fairly apparent. Still, despite the lovely visions of girls with boobs and bums cheerfully bouncing about in skimpy outfits and endless free beer, they had work to do.

Walking on over to the stacks of supplies lined up along the walls, Jiraiya grabbed a large box and moved back over towards the massive steel vats that held the finished product of their various recipes. Opening the box, he withdrew a series of amber-colored beer-bottles and filled each one with their different brews, finally having five bottles filled and temporarily capped to prevent spillage. Putting the rest of the empty bottles away, Jiraiya picked up the filled bottles and almost dropped them in surprise and disgust.

"GAH! the shit's WARM!" He exclaimed, looking slightly horrified. Only crazy europeans drank warm ones! Real manly men drank cold ones, COLD ONES, dammit!

Grumbling, Jiraiya looked around for a fast way to cool down the beverages. After a few moments he had a stroke of inspiration. Grinning, Jiraiya quickly moved to a nearby table, putting the bottles in a metal crate. Then, of all the absurdity, he grabbed a fire-extinguisher....

But, one might ask, why use a fire extinguisher? Why not just put it in lots of ice or something? Well that's easy, true believers. Jiraiya didn't like waiting for his drinks, and oddly enough, thanks to a certian duo of intrepid geeks, it was a confirmed fact that one can easily cool down drinks by hitting them with a CO2 blast from a fire-extinguisher. So it was that Jiraiya pulled the pin on the extinguisher and hit the bottles with a few bursts of CO2. As the smoke cleared, the bottles were slightly frosted. Cool to the touch as if they'd been in a fridge for just the right amount of time.

"Now all we gotta do is test, and think up names" Jiraiya said, putting down the fire extinguisher and picking up one of two frosty mugs that, surely, hadn't been there a moment before.....

Ah, the magic of beer.
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Mr. Trout
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"Huh." The CO2 was something Eeth wouldnt have thought of. Then again he had had more then a few. And unlike Jiraiya it seems, Eeth's own system was not so easily adaptive to the amount of poison that could enter his system. He had taken to accepting that the kitsune knew what he was doing, which as we know...was pretty true. The strange men in the middle of the mountain with a magical brewery that turned holy water into horrible gut killing alcohol. Which it seemed to be.

Eeth hefted the cold beverage and smirked. It was his best trade really, looking like a complete idiot who knew more then he said. That and well...yeah, one would guess that escaping through a seventh story window down a fireescape and avoiding a rather angry husband of a woman he had paid a visit to, with pants around his ankles does not properly count as a talent, skill, nor trade. So um, lets not talk about that anymore. But state that it is a fact that Eeth enjoyed advances on the highschool girls, not simply because of their youth, vigor and adaptability, but they are least likely to have angry biker husbands who own chainsaws.

"For your knowledge. Not all crazy Europeans enjoy warm beer. Pints are only good cold." What? Eeth never hid his foreign roots. Though most people did tend to forget it.

"I like Holy fuck! Beer. It just has a certain exclamation that can carry across a room." He took a deep sip of the alcohol he was presented. And boy did he enjoy it.
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Medivh
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"There might be some people who object to 'fuck' being in advertising and places where it can reach 'virgin' eyes and ears." Jiraiya mused, hefting his own mug and taking a drink. It was strong, but damn was it good. "It'd hurt our potential income if we could only advertise in certain ways."

Yes, aside from being a Pervert, Jiraiya was a businessman. He'd been such for quite awhile. Despite his combat prowess, he'd taken up the mantle of a samurai caste member only out of necessity. At heart he was still an exorcist and a shameless money-maker, and this kind of venture was right up his alley.

"I'm kinda thinking 'Crazy Monk Beer'" He said, grinning. "Since it's bound to get out that this is holy beer, and who else but some insane monks would really brew holy beer? We can use it as a back-story to boot."

Jiraiya took another sip of his own mug, enjoying the flavor of his chosen beverage. He'd actually poured at random, not having bothered to label the bottles as to what held which mix. Right now he felt like what he had was some kind of Lager. It was strong but not overly so. The kind of beer one watches sports with. But really...aside from the taste, they had to have some kind of selling point. Something that made them stick out from the pack. For that, he turned to some of the workers, a trio of scientific-looking guys who, juding from the ears and tails, were indeed Kitsune.

"Whaddya got, guys?" Jiraiya asked, looking over in their direction.

"W-Well, Jiraiya-sama," the shortest and nerdiest looking one stuttered, adjusting his glasses. "Thus far we've discovered that somehow the beer that has been produced has the unusual property of staying at very near a perfect temprature even in heat. Observe."

and without further ado, the little science-geek promptly took a cooled glass of the Lager Jiraiya himself was drinking, poured it into a room-temprature glass, and promptly....put it into the mircrowave and turned the latter on.

What?! Didn't we just cover this?! Warm ones were forbidden! FORBIDDEN, dammit! Yet as the science-geek removed the glass from the microwave and handed it to Jiraiya, the old fox could feel the glass was still cool, despite being in a microwave for quite a bit of time. Taking an experimental sip, Jiraiya found the beer STILL perfectly cooled....

"I think they're onto something." Jiraiya remarked, looking slightly surprised and sliding the glass along the table and over to Eeth with the ease of someone who's slung drinks at a bar faaaar too often.
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